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LIVING WITH THE DEAD By Gabriel Constans |
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Gabriel Constans has written for numerous newspapers, magazines, web sites, radio and literary journals in North America, Europe, Oceania, Africa, the Middle East and Asia; is a contributing writer, along with Maya Angelou, to You the Writer by Guth and Rico (Houghtin-Mifflin Co.), The Meaning of Life by David Seaman (New World Library) and From Eulogy to Joy (Cynthia Kuhn Beischel). He has edited and collaborated on numerous manuscripts and writing projects, including Village Wisdom by Ley Ly Hayslip, Spiritual Nutrition: 13 Recipes for Happiness by Christine Hawly and Carrie Toder, Eye to Eye by Russel Downing, The Virgin's Children by Victoria Tatum (Rain Publishing) and The Last Page, by Bob Fenster. Dr. Constans has served the community since 1974 as a grief counselor, chaplain, social worker and massage therapist and is certified in Thought Field Therapy (TFT). His private counseling and counsulting practice is located in Santa Cruz, California. He is a mental health consultant at the Santa Cruz Integrative Medicine and Chi Center. Gabriel worked at the Center for Grief and Loss at Hospice Caring Project of Santa Cruz County, as a social worker, educator and bereavement counselor since its founding in 1977. Additional experience includes work as a program manager for an innovative mental health center; Impact Program at California State prisons and as a drug and alcohol counselor for teens and ex-convicts. He is the co-parent to five children in The States and an extended family at El Shaddai Youth Center and orphanage in Rwanda. Dr. Constans has a Doctorate in Death Education from The Union Institute and University.
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They’re all around us,
in the rooms we walked through day after day, year after year; working
in the garage with their tools; in the kitchen, baking, talking,
preparing a holiday meal; and in our beds at night. We can almost see
them, feel them, hear them breathing in their sleep. Our dead children,
fathers, mothers, grandparents and lovers have left us physically, but
stay imprinted in objects, memories, special occasions and our minds and
hearts.
We can’t really forget them, not even when we try and at times we try REALLY HARD. Sometimes we stay busy, busy, busy and work, work, work. At other times, some of us drink, use drugs or go to physical and emotional extremes, anything to try to forget the memories and pain of our losses. As a result, we not only still think about and miss those who have died, but then have the additional complications of physical deterioration or addiction. It turns out we’ve been running the wrong way. What we need most often is to remember and decide how we want to keep those who have died present, not absent. What do we remember and miss about them the most? What aspects of their lives had the greatest influence on ours? Which of their actions or behaviors do we want to leave behind and not continue? How did their life and our knowing them shape who we have become? What feelings and thoughts do we want to hold on to and embrace? How can we acknowledge and grieve the loss of those who have died before us, adjust to life without them physically visible and still stay connected with them in our daily lives? Dia de los muertos (Day of the Dead) is one, powerful Mexican tradition that can help those of us still living to honor and integrate those who have died into our daily lives. The Day of the Dead invites family members to visit the sites where their loved one’s are buried, to offer them food and flowers, display pictures, light candles and talk about the family, the pain of the deceased’s absence and life’s ongoing joys and sorrows. It’s a celebration of those who have died and a way for those living to remember. Most cultures in the world have similar traditions and exercises to help them remember. Many Asian, African, Native American and European communities have altars in the home that consist of pictures of the dead (or items that represent them) and frequently light incense or candles and speak to or say prayers for, those who have died. The reason millions of people throughout the world continue to practice these rituals, century after century, is because they work! They provide comfort, solace, meaning, understanding and connection in a safe, familiar and accepted way. Of course you need not wait for just one special day of the year to remember, honor and memorialize your loved one. You can make it a daily practice. Even if it’s only for five to ten minutes, take a moment to speak with, think about, write to, look at or create something for, your loved one who has died. Do it in a place that is special for you your favorite corner of a room, somewhere in your garden, by the beach, in the redwoods, at the grave side or with someone you trust. There is no right way to do it (as long as it doesn’t harm yourself or others) and you will surely find aspects of your remembrance that are unique to you and your loss.
Excerpted from Good Grief: Love, Loss & Laughter, by Gabriel Constans ------------------------------------------------------------ 
Buddha's Wife touches the Heart of Women, by Martha Jette Every so often, a book comes into your
hands that touches you - I mean really touches you - deep in your heart.
Buddha's Wife by Gabriel Constans does just that.
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